Dealing with Blows to the Ego
A good friend recently let me know that someone was trying to ruin my professional reputation. It was hard to not feel bad. While we hopefully never have to experience public shame like Monica Lewinsky, we all know how it feels to take hits to our ego. I hope by sharing how I navigated my emotional landmines in this situation, you can quickly get to lighter, happier place the next time someone takes a swing at you.
A good friend recently let me know that a former colleague was spreading negative stories about me. My friend had received a call to verify if it was true or not. They assured the inquirer that it was a malicious rumor by someone whom I had likely unintentionally offended because of my tendency to say it how it is. I conscientiously work on improving my leadership and communication skills so it was hard not to feel bad after we hung up.
Within an hour, I got to a better place by going through the proverbial stages of grief. It has taken me forever to learn how to navigate my emotional landmines this quickly. I hope by sharing my experience in this situation, when you face your own trials, you too can get in the fast lane to a lighter and happier place.
Denial & Anger Phase: I didn’t experience much denial as I had already come to the realization that there are people I’ve worked with that cannot stand me. If you have not yet come to that realization, it’s time to wake up. I’m sure you can think of a person who drives you nuts, who makes you consider quitting your job just to get away from them, the one who just seeing a car like the one they drive makes you feel irritated. Well, you are that person for someone else. Yup. Get over it.
I’ve come to terms that it is OK that I’m not universally liked. It means that I’m putting myself out there, being my authentic self, and I’m flawed just like every other human. However, my ego did pull out a sound bite from one of my executive coaches, “the people that have the hardest time with [me] are the ones that are incompetent and/or insecure”. Due to the wonders of meditation, I could observe the voice in my head trying resuscitate my ego because CLEARLY the malicious perpetrator was incompetent and insecure.
Before that vindication could take hold, I quickly reminded myself that the incompetent and insecure are not at fault. I had more work to do on making others feel supported in my presence. People need safety, belonging and mattering and it is my job as a leader to provide that, especially to those that need improvement. The likelihood of them improving is much higher if they are not feeling under threat. Stop blaming the victim.
Depression & Bargaining Phase: Since the bad-mouther was un-named, I started to get paranoid about who it could be and what I could do about it. It could be someone I trusted and liked. Maybe it was multiple people. My head then started to dig up memories of who I might have failed, offended, or criticized, and quickly deteriorated into how I’m a terrible person and probably make enemies left and right.
Luckily, I caught myself falling into a cesspool of self-loathing and reminded myself that as with most questions, the answer is likely obvious. Who could it have been? Well, there was one individual in that organization who’s second favorite past-time was to badmouth others. Their first favorite past-time was to brag about their fabulous life. This person craved significance and if they couldn’t achieve it by impressing others, it was to put others down. In all likelihood it was this individual. It if walks like a duck…however, even it wasn’t, there wasn’t much I could do about it except to forgive them and work on being the best version of me. “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change…”
Acceptance Phase: Whenever I’m feeling counterproductive emotions, I’ve learned to ask myself what are the thoughts that are creating that emotion? How do I want to be feeling in this moment? What thoughts would support the desired feeling? And finally, because of this situation, what do I now understand that I would not have if I had not experienced this?
What was I feeling and why…I was feeling mildly paranoid and depressed. It’s OK to feel this way because it does suck to be told someone is saying nasty things about you. However, I didn’t need to reinforce this feeling by seeking all supporting memories of shame and regret.
How did I want to feel…I wanted to feel was constructive and peaceful.
What thoughts would support my desired feelings…I pulled in gratitude that I had a friend that cared enough about me to deliver a tough message. Not only did I have a friend who was willing to step up and defend me, but this was a very accomplished friend whom I and many others deeply respect. I thought of all the people in that same organization and other organizations who have expressed how much they enjoy working with me. I thought of all the personal effort I put into ensuring that whatever negative interactions I have are reconciled and hopefully dwarfed by positive experiences.
After getting myself into a more positive state I reflected on the question, “What did I now understand that I would not have before?”. The GIFT I gained by the experience was deeply feeling the impact of someone’s words. It was a beautiful reminder to ALWAYS only say things that are kind, necessary and true. It is unfortunate that in some company cultures it is common to be highly critical behind other’s backs. It destabilizes the individual and the team is only as strong as its weakest link.
I’ve been guilty of being critical and continuously work on shifting to being constructive. Since we are a product of our environment, I actively seek out cultures where there truly is an understanding of what it means to be a team. I remind myself to never say something I wouldn’t say to a person’s face. Also, I’m diversive when garnering the opinions of others, as our version of reality is colored by our biases, emotional triggers, and protection mechanisms.
The next time your ego is bruised, it’s ok. We’re all a little better with a little less ego. Go through the stages of grief, redirect your thoughts towards a constructive state, and be excited you about the wisdom you gained from the experience. When you have the attitude that life is for you, not against you, your experience of reality will dramatically shift. There is a gift in all our experiences and often the biggest gifts are in the experiences that are the most uncomfortable.
Photo by Kira auf der Heide on Unsplash
Special thanks to Patricia Madden for editing support.