Ambition, Children & Husbands OH MY!
If you are an ambitious woman, one challenge is that the biological clock ticks loudest typically right around the time you've gained enough experience to be up for a major promotion. When I was trying to get pregnant the first time, I was six months away from a Vice President role. After five unsuccessful IVF rounds, I ultimately took a lesser role with no travel to follow my Mother's advice of, "Just stop traveling". Within a few months, my first son was naturally conceived and the coveted promotion to Vice President came two years later.
A C-level opportunity came immediately after my second son was born. It was an opportunity I felt I couldn't pass up and buckled down. Buckling down meant a very rough year of moving across the country with a newborn and young child. I was flying to Hong Kong every month, pumping and dumping precious breast milk in Chinese factory bathrooms because I was determined that while there may not be as many pictures of my second son, his immunity would not be compromised by a lack of breast milk. That year I also missed my best friend's father's funeral, my oldest son's Mother's day tea, and any adult social interaction outside of work. That year sucked until I put the right things in place in the company and more importantly, in my life.
Fast forward five years later, my life exceeding expectations at all levels, I recently send a friend this note. "Working with new baby and young child is hopefully smoothing out? Usually it is the husband that gets left out...and hopefully you are not getting that added Asian parental pressure of having to cater to your husband as well." She immediately responded with, "This parenting and full-time work thing is no joke. Your observations on cultural pressures are spot on...that said, I need some advice about a couple of things woman to woman."
My friend was being offered a new job as a VP, but was torn with the added challenges of a new baby, a longer commute and an anticipated strain on her marriage. Hopefully the highlights of our conversation might help other women facing similar challenges. As a woman with family ambitions, unsolicited advice I'd get was to let career advancement opportunities pass by because you can't have it all. It has been tremendously helpful to hear other executive women's stories. Knowing that they did it, let alone how they did it, helped bolster my confidence in challenging times. In my experience, each opportunity made me stretch further to learn what I needed to be present, engaged and enjoying my family and my life. My key takeaway is career advancement and being a great Mom are not mutually exclusive. You just need to adopt the right tools to help you manage your time, goals and self-care.
Time Management
Getting to the executive level requires a higher level of leadership, decision making and time management. You typically develop these skills as your career progresses, but when we had our second child I had to take time management to a whole new level. I was always capable of producing tremendous amounts of quality work and maintaining a fulfilling personal life. When I took a COO role, I had a newborn, 5 year old and the company was understaffed with ungodly issues. I was struggling. For the first time in my life I had no idea how to get it all done. A mentor recommended David Allan's, "Getting Things Done".
I read it cover to cover on a flight to Hong Kong and on the flight back I reorganized my email, calendar, folders and task lists based on Mr. Allan's suggested methodology. It was a stressful two weeks getting used to a new system, but after a few tweaks it really streamlined my day and I eventually was able have a "mind as clear as a mountain lake" ["Getting Things Done", David Allan, location 269/7775]. I cringe at how much time and headspace I wasted managing email and tasks before moving to this approach. A reliable system and little bit of discipline go a long way towards freeing up time.
Goal Setting & Tracking
While Mr. Allan does a great job of providing a system to get the things done that matter to you, it is up to you to determine what is supposed to matter. After transitioning from being a single, outdoor warrior to + married, to + executive, to + child, to + children, to + aging parents, there were endless things that now mattered. I wanted to do it all and not be the grouchy, exhausted, checked-out, unhappy, no-fun person I was becoming. After a brief search on Amazon, I found "Executive Toughness" by Jason Selk and read that on another flight to Hong Kong. On the return flight, I defined my goals and created a daily checklist of things that would put me on the path to "achieve my win" ["Executive Toughness", Jason Selk, location 160/2710] .
Early in my career my goals centered around title, compensation and number of days skiing. The rest of my life didn't require goals because life was simpler and it all happened naturally. As an executive with young children and aging parents, my goals span all aspects of my being: Physically, Mentally, Emotionally, Spiritually, Creatively, Career, and all the important Relationships in my life: husband, children, relatives, friends and extended network. I defined what awesome would look like in each area and what small action I could do on a regular basis to meet the goal.
What worked for me was to rate myself nightly on a handful of things I felt would make a difference. The areas I needed the most help in had a metric on my bedside spreadsheet such as: stop yelling, 8hrs of sleep, 20 minutes daily with each family member, doing something novel weekly, and meeting friends twice a month.
Another way to hold yourself accountable is to enlist the support of a friend. I had a friend who needed to make some serious changes for his physical health. Every day he would text me his status on three simple goals he had regarding meals, drinking and smoking. When picking an accountability partner, it definitely helps to not pick your spouse. It is easier for a friend to respond encouragingly and with no judgement when things aren't going so well.
Self Care
Having a life worth living requires being really clear on what is important to you and not letting others define it for you. Being a woman with ambition and a family is still not fully accepted. I get comments from well meaning people that it is best if the Mom is the primary care giver. Somehow my kids will be damaged goods because I'm not the one who picks them up from school and harasses them about their homework. If you are clear on what matters to you and you are actively working towards awesome in those areas, you will be indifferent to other's people opinions of what is important.
Feed your soul. Only do things that support your values or that you find enjoyable. While attending a school concert might have a 80/20 ratio of boring/interesting, I want my kids to feel supported so I go. On the other hand, if the class needs a volunteer for the bake sale, I'm sure there is another parent that enjoys that duty. My kids likely won't need therapy because I'm not collecting 50 cents for a brownie. It is true that you can't have it all if you are defining the "all" based on everyone else's expectations. You can have it all, if you know what your all is and are willing to set boundaries.
I can take care of others because I take care of myself. On a daily basis I carve out 1 hour to workout and meditate. As I operate best on 7-8 hours of sleep, that is a priority. I've learned I can't work past 8pm else I'll be wired until 3am. It's better for me to get up early get it all done. For me, working out, meditating and sleeping make me feel better than watching TV so I make that trade. On the weekends, I usually have a few hours to myself to go to the spa, see friends or work on a creative project. When I'm traveling I take advantage of not having family obligations and visit friends or use down time to pamper myself. A hot bath is a great way to unwind. If I'm dealing with something particularly stressful or difficult I definitely make sure that I'm doing something afterwards that is nurturing. This ranges from playing 20 minutes of Candy Crush, getting a laugh watching Ellen or SNL highlights, going for a walk or dining at a favorite restaurant.
One Final Note
Coming from a traditional Asian family, I'm regularly reminded on how I need to be making sure that my husband feels appreciated, important and that I'm looking out for his needs first. I'm blessed with a husband that notes my ambition as one of the things that he cherishes about me. So much so I felt the need to vocalize my fears about being loveable when I took some time off to pursue another calling. He assured me that he loves me just the same and laughingly pointed out that I was pursing this new area with my typical ambitious tenacity.
However, not all partners have a full appreciation for what it means to be with an ambitious woman. They may like the benefits of the ambition, but not fully accept the entirety of this attribute. The advice I gave my friend is to have a heartfelt discussion her husband about her ambition. Often with people we are close with, we don't always accept what a certain trait necessarily means. I used to complain that my husband would never plan our vacations until someone pointed out that I'm pretty particular and he always happily goes along with whatever I choose. Different sides of the same coin. If you are an ambitious person, hopefully you are with someone who appreciates what it means and is open to defining what really matters as things become more demanding.
Would love to hear about how you’ve managed your personal and professional ambitions! Please share in the comments.
Photo by Caleb Jones on Unsplash